(cleaning out my email inbox…this one was entitled, “9 Things I Hate About Everyone”)

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?

4 When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film/sporting event “did you see that?”. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema/arena and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”… Didn’t really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is ‘new and improved!’. Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.

8 When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

I’d like to expand that last one on the list a little bit. It’s not just when waiting for a bus that jamokes ask stupid and impatient questions. No, it happens all the time. Anytime people are waiting in line for something, invariably another person will walk up and ask a) are you in line? b) is this the line? c) are they open yet? d) is the line moving quickly?

I want to say, “What am I? The Shell Answer Man? Figure it out for yourself. Be a little more patient. Use the two eyes you were provided. Stop bothering me and wait your turn, dork. Is your time more valuable than mine? I’m not your personal valet.” But, I don’t say these things. I always answer their questions pleasantly and with the most information possible. I try to treat strangers as I wish to be treated.

We used UHaul trucks for the move. On the day I needed to pick up the first truck I had quite a few things on my list to get completed. Everything for the rest of the day was dependant on my getting the truck first. I had the day all timed out. I knew I didn’t have time to waste at UHaul. So, I arrived at UHaul 30 minutes before they opened up, to ensure I would be first in line and able to get in and out quickly. I was VERY glad I did. Within a few minutes of my getting there (and, yes I was first) the place was swamped with people. The UHaul employees were busy walking the parking lot and checking in trucks from the night before. A quick observation of their activity and it was quite obvious to me nothing was going to happen until the top of the hour.

But, to make sure I was first in line, I walked up and leaned against the front door.

Soon, several others came over and stood next to me. No one spoke. It was still early. We all knew it would be a hot day. Obviously everyone of us would soon be working hard. Nothing needed to be said.

With a full 15 minutes before the place was to open, an import SUV came tearing into the parking lot and pulled right up next to us. Out of the passenger seat jumped an attractive women holding a Styrofoam coffee cup. Expecting it to be from Starbuck’s, I was surprised to notice it was instead from a local gas station. After adjusting her shorts (in full view of everyone), the woman says to me, “Are they open yet?” I answered, “No, sorry…not for 15 minutes.” Then the woman walked up to the door and very aggressively tried to pull it open. I’m sure I had a look of surprise on my face. She turned, got back in the SUV, and they drove away. Several of the people standing there with me shook their heads in disbelief. I just chuckled.

Maybe she didn’t believe me. Maybe she thought I was an idiot. Maybe she just liked to check doors to see if they were locked. I mean, what would I know? I was only leaning against the door…with several other people standing there with me.

During the remainder of the time before the facility opened, I did continue to think about the Starbuck’s thing. I wondered how I could have gotten my stereotype wrong.

Later, when the UHaul folks had gotten me ready to go (in quick fashion), I saw that the line was OUT the door. There were easily 30 people in line behind me. I thought to myself again how glad I was I had gotten there early. And, then I saw that woman again. She was at the end of the line. And, she was holding a Starbuck’s cup. And, I thought to myself, “there is justice and karma in the world…and, I can still get my stereotypes right.”

Over the course of the next couple of days, I had to return to UHaul at least three more times. We’d run out of boxes or tape or packing blankets. And, each time, I’d be patiently waiting in line inside the facility…back away from the counter because that was where the person ahead of me had been standing…when some dork would walk in the building, step past me, and then slide right up the counter. Fortunately, each time a UHaul employee noticed the incident and called on me as next. But, still, that it happened multiple times says to me it was no coincidence. Yes, maybe I was dumb for allowing even the smallest of gaps to open up between myself and the counter. But, maybe people are just rude and inconsiderate of people who are obviously also waiting to be served.

I have seen this phenomenon in grocery stores, airports, movie theatres…anywhere a line of people forms. Isn’t standing in line correctly something we supposedly learn in kindergarten? How in the hell then can so many people get it so wrong so often?

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