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Looks like “natural male enhancement” will soon have a new definition in the national lexicon. For those lucky enough to have missed the “Enzyte” commercials (which ran during all sports programming over the past couple of years…including daytime broadcasts where young children could have been watching), “Natural Male Enhancement” was the clever marketing euphemism for taking a pill in order to get a long johnson. Here’s an example:
But now, “Natural Male Enhancement” will probably instead be used as a joke alongside the other various and common examples of male sexual inadequacy – like the “penis pump” (google it if you need to see an image), the sports car, or the trophy wife. The cheap (and natural) alternative to the little blue pill you could get without a prescription was apparently a scam. (mock surprise)
The makers of Enzyte have been convicted for a whole slew of wrong deeds including mail and credit card fraud and false advertising (unfortunately, bad advertising wasn’t one of the charges though). And, while there was nothing in the judgment to indicate the pill didn’t work, it’s a safe assumption that the credit card fraud happened when men demanded the return of their money after realizing their Chubby Sausage Johnson Anaconda Woody Schlong Joystick Gherkin Pecker Trombone wasn’t growing by leaps and bounds.
But, while the convicted do face the prospect of lengthy jail sentences, I’m sure the appeals process will be fully exhausted before anyone goes to the Pokey.
One of the main charges made by the prosecution in this case was the use of false advertising by the company. To see for yourself the prosecution’s ‘exhibit A’, please watch these:
You gotta love that “north pole” euphemism? Get’s you in the christian holiday spirit…
I found this here and thought it wonderful!!! Read on…
The George Castanza Philosophy of Work
- Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands. People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hand look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
- Use computers to look busy. Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal email, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught – your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
- Messy desk. Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
- Voice Mail. Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, “Sorry, this mailbox is full” – a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
- Looking Impatient and Annoyed. According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
- Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
- Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
- Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
- Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: DON’T forward this to your boss by mistake!!!
Full disclosure time – I have used the “voicemail guideline” a lot.
…we’re all stocked up here!!
You’ve surely heard about it from the news media on various recent occasions.
You’ve probably seen the Oprah video.
You’ve smirked to yourself and rolled your eyes.
Because whenever “T0m Cru1se” and “Sc1ent0l0gy” are in close proximity, it just seems like a punch-line is about to happen.
Maybe you did a little research on “Sc1ent0l0gy”. Maybe you bought “D1anetics” when it was a best-seller back in the late ’80s.
Or, maybe you’ve ignored all of this completely (lucky you)…
There is definitely “something” going on, though.The PR folks are busy. The news/entertainment story churn is at full speed. Just about every late-night talk show and celebrity website has featured content from this ongoing drama. All to say that it appears a battle between the Sc1entologists…through their proxy T0m Cru1se…and the anti-Sc1ent0l0gists is being played-out in front of us on a daily basis.
So, I’ve put together a little video to help sort it all out…
As a disclaimer, I have enjoyed the majority of the movies T0m Cru1se has done that I have seen.
This is the recently leaked Sc1ent0l0gy video (who knows how long it’ll stay on YouTube)
“I do what I can. And, I do it the way I do everything.”If I didn’t know better, I’d assume he was running for political office. How can someone talk for 10 minutes without saying anything of substance?
And, here’s another clip…
Here’s Craig Ferguson’s opinion on the whole deal, by the way…
Of additional importance in all of this, is the role Katie H0lmes is now playing. Since becoming involved, she’s gone from being the “girl next door” to “android” in three short steps.
By the way, there are those who believe her marathon was faked.
There is no disputing she has changed.
On Letterman Part 1:
On Letterman Part 2:
Note her oral delivery style and willingness to smile/joke.
Now, compare her new style from this interview with D1anne Sawyer:
And, this return to Letterman on 1/14/08:
I love how Dave makes the same joke about the name of the show – Dawson’s Landing/Gordon’s Creek.
Is it just me or does her white dress resemble the dress worn by Lt. IIia in Star Trek?
Anyway, the frequency with which this stuff keeps showing up in the news implies to me there is something going on behind the scenes. And, unfortunately, it appears T0m and Kat1e are no longer of their right minds.I hope this was helpful…
I liked this article from Cracked so much, I copied it in its entirety. Please read on if you need help getting into the “holiday spirit”…
Pagan Orgies to Human Sacrifice: The Bizarre Origins of Christmas
I started my college career thinking I wanted to be a journalist.
After spending a semester of torture in the “Writing for Journalism 101” class, I changed my major and didn’t look back. The class was taught by the former head of Alcoa’s (yes, the Aluminum Manufacturer) PR Dept. And, he was the Dean of Admissions for the School. He was a distinguished looking gentleman with grey hair and very nice clothes. He talked a lot about Alcoa.
Alas, whatever the bleep he knew about writing for a newspaper, I sure as hell never discovered.
And, since I was the only male and non-blonde in the class, I didn’t get a good feeling that I had any future job prospects as a journalist.
(Nor did the professor pay any attention to me…seeing as how I didn’t have breasts.)
But, we spent a lot of time writing headlines and lead paragraphs in the class. Why did we do this? Because people only read the headlines and lead-in paragraphs of stories. And, believe it or not, what was true back then with writing for print, is still true today with writing for the internet.
So, I have a great (I think) headline.
“Katie Holmes Runs NYC Marathon”
And here’s the lead paragraph:
“Katie Holmes ran in the NYC marathon. Despite the admirable feat of completing the race about a year after having given birth to her daughter, she obviously does NOT know how to wear a ballcap.”
So, how’s that? Would you read any more of the article?
Oldies but goodies…